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if you're into pinecone fanfiction does that make you a firry

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Strap in, boys. Cuz where we're going, it's illegal to not wear seatbelts

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This account is now devoted to Angry Birds fan theories.

I want to strike fear into other males with my lustrous silver hairy back. I'm willing to go around shirtless to do so (bonus: my beer belly is quite intimidating)

As I get older, I notice the gray in my beard, but when do I get the silver stripe down my back?

Gremlins is a great movie, I love all those little yellow guys speaking their weird language

Me, a guy without kids: wow Frozen is a fun musical with great songs, I should buy the soundtrack

A parent: my kid has been playing that song on repeat since 2013, please kill me

I nominate "Let it Go" from Frozen as the best song of the decade. Unless you have kids, in which case it was apparently the worst

Ladies and gentlemen, this is mambo number 5.1.23

RELEASE NOTES:

—fixed bug on “Jessica” line
—added Radio Disney version
—various bug fixes and refinements

(15.7 mb)

Despite popular demand, I will not be deleting my account. I will never delete my account.

The Enlightenment is the worst thing to ever happen to me personally

love having a cat because it's like a moocher roommate who totally disrespects me but tries to bum food off me all the time

Hell yeah it's the weekend, time to drink to forget everything I learned in school this week

Thank god for crosswalks, because I get to feel morally superior to cars when they refuse to stop and run me over anyway

Tired: I havent slept a wink

Wired: my mind is on the blink

I hope someday they blast my music off into space so some alien can be like "what is this garbage"

some malaphors I think about:

-we'll burn that bridge when we get to it
-if you can't stand the bull, get out of the china shop
-where there's smoke, there's mirrors
-fool me once, shame on you; teach a man to fool me, and I'll be fooled for the rest of my life
-come back to haunt you in the ass
-lets not beat around the dead horse
-beauty is in the eye of the tiger
-burning daylight at both ends
-apples to apples, dust to dust
-a stone in the hand is worth two birds in the bush

tub of hummus: "contains 10 servings"

me: heh that's a funny typo, why is there an extra zero

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freedom.horse

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