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if you're into pinecone fanfiction does that make you a firry

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Strap in, boys. Cuz where we're going, it's illegal to not wear seatbelts

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This account is now devoted to Angry Birds fan theories.

*Jay Leno voice*

Have any of you heard of Monica Lewinsky? No? You haven't heard of her?

*the lights in the studio shut off and Jay Leno's all alone*

"Hotel California" is too long. We get it, you're stuck in a hotel. Who hasn't been?

Kinda messed up there's a frozen, dead zubat left somewhere in Mt. Coronet that got fucked up in a battle with me.

If you go to France, don’t order the “American Salad”. It’s just mayonnaise and a whole brick of spam thrown on some iceberg lettuce and when the server gives it to you they say, “Now enjoy it, you piece of shit.”

Remember when Lady Gaga was Bruce Springsteen for a while?

My cat is so lazy. If I throw a raw salmon in the air (it’s dead) she wont even jump up and catch it in her teeth.

I am NOT sponsored by monster energy. Again, I repeat, I am not sponsored by monster energy .

Nintendo has been milking the same game for decades and pokemon fans will continue eating shit for it, including myself.

I think we should liberate Canada because they force children to learn french.

Americans have two hobbies:

1. Shooting off fireworks regardless of a burn ban
2. Setting the forest on fire

It's almost independence day in the US. Sorry to my british friends on here, I guess. Must be a hard time for you guys every year it comes around.

*in 109 degree weather*

me: Hot enough for ya? heh heh

*The sun evaporates me into a pile of dust*

owning the boomers by calling the white album the pot album

mixed nuts do not have nearly enough brazil nuts. where is the "oops all brazil nuts" version

I will be the first to suck the last of the oil out of the ground, with a straw in my mouth, when it starts getting a little low.

I think sports should be worse. I think we should make rival sports fans duke it out in the stadium while we watch. Maybe we give them knives??

normal person: hey whats up
me, philosopher: what is "up"

Did you know there's like 40 Final Fantasy games?? Who has time for all that shit

*opens my jacket to make myself look bigger*

cougar: omg have you gained weight

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