Pinned toot

if you're into pinecone fanfiction does that make you a firry

Pinned toot

Strap in, boys. Cuz where we're going, it's illegal to not wear seatbelts

Pinned toot

This account is now devoted to Angry Birds fan theories.

owning the boomers by calling the white album the pot album

mixed nuts do not have nearly enough brazil nuts. where is the "oops all brazil nuts" version

I will be the first to suck the last of the oil out of the ground, with a straw in my mouth, when it starts getting a little low.

I think sports should be worse. I think we should make rival sports fans duke it out in the stadium while we watch. Maybe we give them knives??

normal person: hey whats up
me, philosopher: what is "up"

Did you know there's like 40 Final Fantasy games?? Who has time for all that shit

*opens my jacket to make myself look bigger*

cougar: omg have you gained weight

Remember when people used to put leeches on their bodies to cure them of diseases because everybody used to be in the pockets of Big Leech??

if i was in a fucking freeze suit all the time and shot people with my freeze gun i would absolutely say shit like "ice to meet you"

A college education is like, "Here, be stressed out for 4-10 years, and you might be able to get a job after."

I shriek with delight every time I get to update my software.

this instance is powered by hydroelectric power 🐟 whoops haha sometimes the wildlife gets in here

get you a girl who, if you falter in the deep places below the earth, will grab you by the throat and whisper that you needn't fear the dark, because you are with her, and she is what the dark is afraid of

Today was my first day as a mafia goon and I already fucked up. I told a guy to take a “short walk on a long pier” and just ended up embarrassing everyone. I’m so fucking useless.

"this app is beautiful" shut the fuck up, just make it work properly

Show older

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!