Pinned toot

if you're into pinecone fanfiction does that make you a firry

Pinned toot

Strap in, boys. Cuz where we're going, it's illegal to not wear seatbelts

Pinned toot

This account is now devoted to Angry Birds fan theories.

if i were geoffrey chaucer i would have written in words that people 600 years later could read

xi jinping is soft blocking my dick pics with the great firewall of china

out-of-context rocko's modern life 

i’m a wild pig!! 🐷

One time I was walking around Seattle and saw a mattress on the sidewalk. The next day I walked past it again and this time somebody had set it on fire and it’d been burned to a crisp. But Seattle always rains so I wonder if the rain put it out. Or maybe a fireman. Or helpful citizen with a bucket.

how do you all pay elflord your monthly subscription? i got banned from paypal for posting too many feet pics online

*Wearing construction worker hat* 👷‍♂️

Alright fellas, you heard the lady! Drop them in!

*Truck filled with dick jokes dumps all of them in ElfLord's yard* 🚛

What is all this about howling and castles and movement

dust-free cat litter: I pour it out, dust spews up like crazy

no-tears shampoo: I squeeze it directly into my eye and I'm blubbering like a baby

child-safe bottle: I hand it to my kid with a hammer and they're in, in like no time flat

advertising is bullshit

having two legs, one on each side of my body, allows me to walk in 3D

off to my right I see five mounted cowboys; shouting and shooting I can't let them catch me

Show thread

My bot just said, "Wario gives better spankings to Luigi than Mario."

THIS is MY profile, if you're OFFENDED by something i SAY, i am SORRY and will DELETE it IMMEDIATELY

Currently playing the slot machine we call social media for a sweet sweet hit of dopamine.

Which one is worse right now?

Show more

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!