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“Nice climate change sign!”

“What’s climate change?” she says, pulling an AK-47 out from under her coat

I heard you like bad boys.

Well, I was such a bad boy that I flunked out of masculinity entirely.

paul mccartney: "when I'm 64, losing my hair..."

paul: *is way older than 64* *has a full head of hair*

me: 🤔

you ever look at old pictures of your grandparents and think 'i wonder if they fucked' and then you're all 'oh yeah of course they did' and then you turn to them cos you're in their living room and you're just like "you fucked, right?"

What would happen if someone was thrown into a black hole? Asking for a friend who was thrown into a black hole.

"God bless tobacco. Nice, cool, refreshing tobacco." - God

A cat who has "ham eyes" means a cat that makes eyes at you because they want your ham.

My resume, you ask? 😏 *opens briefcase at job interview and 100 springy snakes fly out*

couldn't decide between 64 spine cones and 64 pine bones but here we are

It was a simpler, more carefree time, when you could slap your troubles away with the Slap Chop

*knocks on door* Hi, I'm here to tell you I'm a registered sex offender

Uh, it's Halloween…

Right, this is my Halloween costume: a registered sex offender. I'm here to get some candy, and also to tell you I'm a sex offender

I am so lazy I never do dishes and so I just shoot all my dishes with a gun and shatter them and throw them away.

Insects are free. You can just catch one in your mouth and eat it and nobody can charge you for it.

could somebody reply to this telling me to stop using non-free software, i haven't cum in years

there are a dizzying array of adjectives you can use to describe an array, but the preferred one is "dizzying"

it's great that you don't have to wash cast iron pans. I'm gonna get cast iron plates and forks so I never have to do the dishes again

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