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In case you missed it...

I interviewed the elusive @snakeboy, where I grilled him on his secret life. He's never doing another interview again (because I threatened him), so be sure to check it out:

youtu.be/FhOeVIDFyy8

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Recipe I just made up 

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ElfLord boosted

the Bering land bridge 5 million years ago. There are 15 planets.

ElfLord boosted

Whenever I leave the house my bird gets upset and when I come back he is pissed and the only way he calms down is if I take off my shoes

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Anyone know of any job openings in Napa? I have a house there. Used to be a weekend chateau but now I have to live there along with my occasional AirBnb guests thanks to my wife’s lawyer. Anyways, the job needs to have a Tesla charger in the parking lot. Thanks

ElfLord boosted

every store has self checkout if you steal

Who on here loves Dua Lipa besides me?

Today is @snakeboy’s birthday! Be sure to wish him lots birthday spankings!😏 🎂

I think I have the kind of daydream fantasies that a 9 year old boy might have. Like a fantasy of walking down the street and getting attacked by some stranger men and just whooping their asses with my perfect karate skills.

Mastodon is made for you to express your inner fantasies/monologue.

Is there anything more beautiful in life than an angelic, beautifully made up bride in white lace dress getting a bucket of chum throw on her back at her beach wedding?

(She can just jump in the ocean to wash it off and we laugh about it for the rest of the wedding.)

Is there anything more beautiful in life than going to pick up your jack o' lantern the day after halloween and it's been smashed to pieces with a sledge hammer and so has your mailbox and car?

Is there anything more beautiful in life than waking up screaming in the night, jumping out of bed and shouting to your husband, "There's a spider on the blankets! Kill it! Kill it!", and he says to you, "You're dreaming," and you go back to sleep?

ElfLord boosted

tech support rp i’m an exhausted cs undergrad and you’re a tenured professor in the biology department who needs help opening their web browser

My first exposure to music was The Beatles early stuff when I was a kid, and I think that evolved and branched off into me settling on dance pop as my favorite genre of music.

ElfLord boosted

this one goes out to the little freaks using the federated timeline

There's too much rain in Seattle! If I can be blessed with your vote, I will make the rain stop permanently.

I would make a great politician. Based on what I say on social media.

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

Ok not to get political, but I think we should help the children. 🙏

"Ha! The classic redirect," I say to myself aloud, staring at a blank computer screen.

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freedom.horse

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