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Hope this doesn't sound creepy but I'd like to fan you with a palm leaf and clean your pool.

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*dumps a bag of cat food into the toilet and flushes*

I just don't understand why my toilet is always clogged.

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I got a new vacuum and it's so fun to use. You should see all the cat hair it picks up, guys. I don't even have cats. That's how good it is.

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@jordyd Is Star Trek about Picard and Data trying to colonize other planets? Do they want peace

The fundamental difference between the US and the UK is that we donโ€™t have peasants.

Everyone wants to be a skeleton but no one wants to *be* a skeleton

It's too hot, better open a window *is blasted by much hotter air* oh why don't you just fuck off, "outside"?

I thought La Croix was spicy water??

Digging an onion from the ground with my bare hands like my peasant ancestors. This will be my dinner.

honestly this is a formal apology for calling you a bitch

Why did I choose the name ElfLord?? Why not

getting planted upside down on accident growing through the cement absolutely fucked up on fertilizer and nitrogen

Look. All I want to do is go to The Netherlands and see a tulip and maybe wear some wooden shoes.

at my funeral get one of those carnival dunk tanks to drop my casket into my grave

Fish bump. It's like a fist bump but both people are holding fish.

Nobody wants to buy my knickknacks on here. Guess it's decided. I'm going to sue @Gargron.

I hope in real life people think I'm charming and not creepy at all.

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This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM. Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3