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Here is the comedy short story I wrote today. I would be honored if anyone read it. I would scream.

onlysomestories.com/2018/06/06

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How to earn the respect of men:

1.) Give a big belch. That way, they know you're one of the guys.
2.) Talk about boobs. I don't know what specifically about them. But just say the word, "boobs" at some point in the conversation.
3.) Grab a cold one (slang for "beer"). Be sure to call it, "a cold one" and not, "beer." Men can see right through that.
4.) Do NOT say I love you right away. Sprinkle rose petals and light some candles first.

@ElfLord in the UK it's weird if you don't smoke 20 cigarettes a day

*slides all the clutter off the table and onto the floor* I cleared a spot for you.

THERE PUTTING CHEMICALS IN THE WATER THAT TURN THE FRIGGING BOWSERS GAY

When I was a kid my dad always used to say to me, "Let's not talk until mommy's had her wine." How fucked is that?

Hey guys guess what I was just given the Nobel Peace Prize!

My laugh is like Ricky Gervais, I think. Kind of like a loud screech-cackle.

Sometimes most of the time I make a toot and then immediately forget about it and then later I see it and I laugh as if it was the first time.

*answers phone* Wait a minute. Some rappers are in a feud? I'll be over right away.

Fuck yeah I can't WAIT to see these BARN DOORS, like, Now.

@ElfLord
This is it, these are the words of someone who fuckin knows what to say on Mastodon

I'm on mastodon now. I know what to say. I know what to say now.

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freedom.horse

This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM.

Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3