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In case you missed it...

I interviewed the elusive @snakeboy, where I grilled him on his secret life. He's never doing another interview again (because I threatened him), so be sure to check it out:

youtu.be/FhOeVIDFyy8

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Recipe I just made up 

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I wish every cashier in France could take as long as they want with me as a customer to talk to so that I can get out "Je... voudrais... un... pain... au... chocolate." in THICK American accent as their line builds up.

ElfLord boosted

me, yelling at my mailbox: THE US POSTAL SYSTEM IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLY COMPLICATED

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

me: have I told you about my theory that heaven is exclusively populated by great apes because they were also made in god's image but were not born with original sin?

a cop: we meant a statement about all the crimes you committed

ElfLord boosted

In the movie Harry Potter, why didn't they give them weird hair? Because isn't it supposed to be a fantasy world? Why would they have modern looking hair?

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

just thinkin about how i'd like to have a nail thin dick #epic #mastodev

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The ravages of climate change will not affect New Jersey. It will continue to look and smell like that

ElfLord boosted

let's talk about how cockney rhyming slang is directly responsible for brexit (1/27)

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i love every woman called lisa with too much fake tan and clumpy false eyelashes. i love them! i want to be them! let me!

lewd 

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I’ve never been on a plane where people clapped when it landed

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ElfLord boosted

If you cannot afford a devil’s advocate, one will be provided for you

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its not about the size of the blade, it's how well you studied it

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

drug 

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