The reason airlines don't let you into the cockpit is because they're afraid you'll catch the pilot smoking all those cigarettes they told you you weren't allowed to smoke

Twilight Zone episode where a guy finds a thing that grants him supernatural powers, but he abuses it and suffers an ironic punishment

If I could hack my brain, I'd make desserts taste like shit but salads taste like orgasmic chocolate. You'd know me because I'd be the guy moaning over a Caesar

Birds don't have lips or teeth, so they are probably terrible kissers. Don't even try

This account is going clean for now. Just until things blow over.

"hello my ragtime gal" is the only line that dates the song. Otherwise it could be on the radio today

ok you guys shut up for a while tbh itโ€™s like constant one-upping amongst a buncha hardcore nerds

this holiday season, force your friends and family to fall in love with you again by buying yourself a large truck and driving it all over everyone's carefully landscaped property

i smoked one beer in 1987 and went to jail for 30 years, don't make the same mistakes i did

we are gonna slay the dragon tonight and steal her egg and her breath

how dare you all leave me off of your lists. my lawyer will be in touch with ALL of you. he's in outer space right now in a spaceship solving crimes, but as soon as he gets back you are all gonna get it BIG time

remember when peter pan's bratty kid taught all the pirates how to play baseball? history is pretty fucked up if you ask me

My body looks like a potato that got punched a bunch of times.

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Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3