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I just found out about this terrible story: They reanimated Pavarottiโ€™s corpse and made him sing about tobacco in a commercial! Sickening!

Sometimes I wake up and pick up my PEZ dispenser full of xanax instead of the one that's full of PEZ - those are the interesting days, I'll tell you that for nothing.

If you eat enough tomatoes you eventually turn into one. That is their true sinister purpose.

the Ferengi in TNG were so stressful. i got stressed just seeing them. in Picardโ€™s shoes like 90% of those episodes as soon as i encountered a Ferengi vessel iโ€™d be like โ€œreverse courseโ€

personally i am excited to see jeff bezos' incredibly mild dick

In protest of monkeys I will now be referring to them as "land monkeys" and sea monkeys now get to move up to first place

Lying about owning a car on the internet trying to get a girlfriend

i went to British Columbia and here it is me. Sigmund. But Sigmund Fraud. I am a normal, healthy individual.

@โ€‹toilettrouble weird I never get old

"do I need more fibre" I ponder as I shart explosively onto my lawn

love mastodon. love to see posts by citrus twee, william shatner, elflord and *squints at writing on hand* gangrene

hello 911? i need someone to come over and tie my shoe for me. no, i know how to do it, i just want you to do it.

Dumbo, but heโ€™s got a big phat ass and flies by clappin his cheeks

*watches hundreds of hours of footage of people 69ing* they look nothing like numbers at all, this is hogwash

Never thought I'd grow up to be this powerful, an adult man in serious debt that spends money on two separate podcasts

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This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM. Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3