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When parents get a babysitter, it's because they're going to go have sex in their car for a while.

ElfLord boosted

WE LITERALLY SEND PEOPLE TOO YOUNG TO DRINK TO THE MIDDLE EAST TO DIE FOR OUR UNINHIBITED ACCESS TO GASOLINE AND I THINK THATS BEAUTIFUL

ElfLord boosted

Man, I would trade my grandmother's life for a Twix™ right now.

ElfLord boosted

Me writing down the name of another cat on my home timeline I just learned

After a while the bra sizes go up from 32A cup to "Big Hooters" and "Nice Honkers".

*me kissing a gourd for the first time*

What are we.

ElfLord boosted

You can eat a diamond. It doesn’t mean anything

ElfLord boosted

*accidentally glancing at myself in the mirror* oh no not you again

ElfLord boosted

Me and my mate putting on a two man horse costume and walking into the vet to try and get some ketamine

ElfLord boosted

if you hate my toots dont forget to smash that block button

ElfLord boosted

immensely dumb 

I love the internet. I also love consuming trash.

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

@pisscotheque please get my permission before you post excerpts from my lion king fanfiction

Hi guys. I'm here and ready to put more garbage on the internet.

*on a first date*
I have a fortune III pickaxe with mending on it.

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ElfLord boosted
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freedom.horse

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