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Remember that time @jordyd drank too much Bud Light Lime and thought he could fly so he got on the roof of my house and jumped off but he was ok because I caught him in my arms and swaddled him like the little baby Jesus?

Recipe I just made up 

ElfLord boosted

*old annoying man voice* if call of duty came out today they'd have to call it text of duty

One time I went to Las Vegas with my friend and we ended up accidentally smoking a joint at Tupac's memorial.

ElfLord boosted

Remembering that time I fucked up my back real hard but a couple days later I was in Vegas eating edibles all day everyday and I carried my friend on my back for like an hour. I even played slots while carrying her.

ElfLord boosted

posting some epic home made pizza bagels my wife made on Reddit and getting one million gold and retiring early

ElfLord boosted

i swing open a gate, dash out onto the ice rink ,and immediately eat shit so hard that it sends my Heely's™ flying into the stands

I wonder what's going on with Neptune. I haven't seen it in the news for a while.

I don't see what the big problem is with public transportation. We just gotta do transportation underground like New York. Use the sewer. Keep digging underground until you reach the mantle.

👏BRING 👏 BACK 👏 PAY 👏 PHONES 👏

ElfLord boosted

@snakeboy Life's rough. I'm pouring out a little gatorade for you, homie.

*has a prank youtube channel*
bro: dude, today we're gonna prank my bro, who's sleeping right now.
*next day*
bro 2: dude. I think I need to go to the hospital.
*bro giggles to himself*
bro 2: Dude. Did you put a green bean in my urethra?
*bro giggles more*
bro 2: Dude, I'm gonna kill you.

*on a first date*
date: I put mending on a diamond hoe.
me: I think we're done here.

drug poll 

ElfLord boosted

Welcome to my pretentious, hipster, foodie restaurant: The Humble Onion.

ElfLord boosted

My resume, you ask? 😏 *opens briefcase at job interview and 100 springy snakes fly out*

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