Show more

Remember that time @jordyd drank too much Bud Light Lime and thought he could fly so he got on the roof of my house and jumped off but he was ok because I caught him in my arms and swaddled him like the little baby Jesus?

Recipe I just made up 

*old annoying man voice* if call of duty came out today they'd have to call it text of duty

One time I went to Las Vegas with my friend and we ended up accidentally smoking a joint at Tupac's memorial.

Remembering that time I fucked up my back real hard but a couple days later I was in Vegas eating edibles all day everyday and I carried my friend on my back for like an hour. I even played slots while carrying her.

posting some epic home made pizza bagels my wife made on Reddit and getting one million gold and retiring early

wind waker is what if we gave a feral 11 year old a sword and told him to save the world

i swing open a gate, dash out onto the ice rink ,and immediately eat shit so hard that it sends my Heely's™ flying into the stands

I wonder what's going on with Neptune. I haven't seen it in the news for a while.

I don't see what the big problem is with public transportation. We just gotta do transportation underground like New York. Use the sewer. Keep digging underground until you reach the mantle.

@snakeboy Life's rough. I'm pouring out a little gatorade for you, homie.

*has a prank youtube channel*
bro: dude, today we're gonna prank my bro, who's sleeping right now.
*next day*
bro 2: dude. I think I need to go to the hospital.
*bro giggles to himself*
bro 2: Dude. Did you put a green bean in my urethra?
*bro giggles more*
bro 2: Dude, I'm gonna kill you.

*on a first date*
date: I put mending on a diamond hoe.
me: I think we're done here.

drug poll 

Welcome to my pretentious, hipster, foodie restaurant: The Humble Onion.

Show more

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!