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I hope hell isn't real because being poked in the butt with a pitchfork by the devil sounds... wait, actually, that sounds kinda fun.

The fake fur on my new parka is so big and fluffy I can't see my blindspot when driving when I turn to look so I just kind of steer real quick into the other lane and let God take care of the rest.

Currently drinking coffee and accepting Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior.

Every little girl dreams of one day dancing topless on a table at Coyote Ugly ever since Tyra Banks did that one movie.

Ok I know Kanye West is a narcissistic asshole, yeah yeah but JESUS IS KING is the best and only, scotch-taped hiphop gospel album ever created.

ElfLord boosted

I can do calculus when I'm stumbling drunk. There is just no guarantee that I would be able to write the answer.

The neck is one of the funniest parts of the body.

How have I been all this time? Not good. I hurt my neck a little.

ElfLord boosted

there are a lot of shitty Business Insider articles that are like, "oh, don't eat avocado toast. oh, don't get that grande latte, you'll save so much money over the course of a year"

Bullshit! The secret to being successful in life is betting $75K on the Purdue Boilermakers in the second half of any football game

ElfLord boosted

I feel like I could land a plane if I really had to

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

asking for validation from freaks on the internet whats up

ElfLord boosted

Fuck a credit score! How many times can u make that ass clap?? 👀👀

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

How is my sleep moaning more annoying than snoring???

ElfLord boosted

Imma just jam out to bittersweet symphony til I pass out I guess

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ElfLord boosted
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ElfLord boosted

kittens who haven't learned to pounce yet but are doing their best, boost if agree

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