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Favorite mastodon feature?

*is a coach giving a big speech before the big game*

It's social media time. Now let's get out there and get outraged for attention!!!

The idea of the first date makes me laugh. It's so painfully awkward and I've never been on a good first date so the comedic possibilities are endless.

I'm a bad cook and my antidepressants reduce my sex drive. I hardly ever clean because I'm lazy and I'm probably going to play a lot of minecraft instead of listening about your day.

Anyway, I think this date seems to be going well.

ElfLord boosted

would you pick me up from the airport

I've been doing a lot of sewing projects and trying to stop before I get so frustrated I'm not perfect at it that I cry and scream and try to throw myself out the closed second floor window.

ElfLord boosted

every time i open a page on @ElfLord's instance i forget that it's bright pink and the shock kills me instantly

I should start reusing the same posts over and over again. You won't know the difference.

ElfLord boosted

Look. All I want is a 1st place on leaderboards minecraft speedrunner any% glitchless RSG 1.16.1 to sweep me off my feet.

ElfLord boosted

if godzilla vs kong doesn't feature them ripped and grappling while wet then what's the fucking point

ElfLord boosted

this is my date, a huge mythological lizard. it's fine, stop screaming

ElfLord boosted

why in god's name am i hot for godzilla, can i not just have a normal weekend for once

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I like reading mastodon because everyone's a freak and it's like watching a trainwreck. A very sexy, erotic trainwreck.

ElfLord boosted

[trying to make small talk] so. have you seen any good porn lately

ElfLord boosted

the movie Open Water/spoiler 

Open Water got very good reviews because it wasn't very long, and every critic left the theater happy that those two people died

ElfLord boosted

i hate learning new shit at my age. when i see a youtube video of a clam moving, i throw my laptop out the fucking window

ElfLord boosted

what was that you asked? do i consider myself "cultured"?

ummm, allow me to show you to my closet full of unopened Furby's, which wikipedia describes as "resembling a hamster or owllike creature"

last appraisal i got for them was "enough to pay my family court bills", so uh, yea. i think i know a little something about culture

ElfLord boosted

I've spent the last 2 days walking around my apartment saying "Ehh I'm Frankie Meatballs."

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freedom.horse

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