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I like to go on first dates and rattle off all the things wrong with me to them. That way, if they still sticks around, you know they're like, cool.

food 

*on a first date*
me: ...so I have a fragile ego, like a faberge egg that's just starting to crack, And I got a bad car, messed up teeth, poor mental health,
date: I get it.
me: *spitting out food onto plate* Ugh. I got a little parsley in my mouth. Gross.

ElfLord boosted
ElfLord boosted

how do i unfave a post, i thought i faved 'big smelly pee pee' but later on in my reading it turned out to be 'big smelly pee pee also i love cops'

ElfLord boosted

this instance is powered by hydroelectric power 🐟 whoops haha sometimes the wildlife gets in here

It's ok everybody, don't worry, I found @finn. They were in the fridge eating all the yogurts.

ElfLord boosted

prevent british people from entering your home by seasoning the entrances

I was playing minecraft and I went into the nether for the first time since starting my new world and I almost pissed pant.

ElfLord boosted

@ElfLord Regular spock is just when doctor spock wears khaki shorts and loafers around the house.

ElfLord boosted

I am comfortable with the idea that the past is fixed and linear

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Would Spock be a good dad or a bad dad?

I'm not sure if Spock would have been a good dad.

ElfLord boosted

(calling the metaphysics hotline) Hello. Hello I have a question? What is time

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Really surprised to find out you shouldn't buy botox off the internet.

true story about botox 

I have a friend who had gotten botox off the internet and injected it into his face, and the botox made his face look like when a dog is smiling.

Nobody wants to see me struggle to twerk.

Just here to remind everyone to have a good time on this website.

*throws grenade that says "I'm a secret centrist" on it into the timeline*

*twerks* People are still twerking right? *twerks*

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freedom.horse

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