Someone cut me off in traffic and I called them a “cock-wiener.” So, you’re all welcome for this great new insult.

I only hope I can have a legacy as grand as the person who first decided to wear a hoodie and a leather jacket together.

@SuperAlbino Fuck this could change everything or get someone killed

Music concept: Bruce Springsteen but also someone raps

You can't hurt me, I'm behind five layers of irony

The only man in a suit I’ve ever trusted was Will Smith in Men in Black.

Nothing worse than being on an airplane when someone opens the escape hatch and your beautiful wife of 20 years gets sucked out before your very eyes

*picture of a grody white dude with dreads and a shitty face tattoo*
“This rapper isn’t afraid to talk about politics and race!”

Time to Pokémon Go to the polls! (Literally, my polling place is a Pokestop.)

Happy "Dudes get way too Into V for Vendetta" Day, everyone!!!!!!

Always have candles in your house, it will help you set the mood for when you eat an entire pizza alone.

Current Anxiety Level: More than 5 people in the same aisle as me at the grocery.

A young girl, probably about 11 years old, just walked into this coffee shop wearing a blue leotard and tap shoes. She bowed to the entire shop and then launched into a tap dance routine right in front of the door.

She got about 10 seconds into it when an adult -- I assume a parent or guardian -- raced in the door after her exclaiming "No no no, not here!"

Crafting only the finest dick jokes for Mastodon.

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Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3