the only crush i'm interested in involves me in a junkyard on the business end of a pneumatic press

This one week of being sorta tan makes the two weeks of sunburn all worth it!

My defining character trait is that I am constantly haunted by my grandmother being better at Snapchat than me.

Technology has come so far and yet, we still can’t find a better way to stick your straw into a CapriSun.

Who knew all it took to find the cool people on dating apps is add “comedy-loving communist” to my bio?

How long after the expiration date is your deodorant safe to eat?

The self-checkout machines at the grocery store know me well enough now to just continually give me coupons for frozen pizzas.

Sometimes Discord chats lead to some truly great conversations.

Don’t call your significant other “partner.” Show them you really care, call them “pardner.”

Hope everyone likes my new sex musical “Panic! at the Dildo.”

"You ever get that mustard that's got a ton of horseradish in it and you bite down and take a nostril trip?"
- a thing I said to @SuperAlbino just now

Just staying with my curvy wife for the curvy kids.

Suburban chickens in the NYC suburbs who encounter millennials every day are NOT camera-shy

Double standards are boring, I only do triple or more.

I love receiving letters from my fans, like one I got today telling me that my "debt has been handed over to a debt collection agency" and apparently I'll be hearing from them soon. No idea what this means but I really appreciate the support, love you all

What is the cost of building a roller coaster on the moon? Sir, the real question is the cost of *not* building it

UPDATE: The neighbor's cat finally let me pet them.

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This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM. Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3