Pinned toot

sure socialism is great and it's nice to not have brands here but once I can I'll be introducing 'snake boy +β„’' for all my premium members only toots

Young Sheldon is so good they should make a show about when he grows up, they could call it: 'Old Sheldon'

imagine having to tip your waiter because their employer doesn't even pay them


open source software is for suckers, i've been using a trial version of windows vista since 2007 and it's served me well.

if anyone ever needs to contact me outside of mastodon DM me for my xfire account

I'm actually 3 million worms in a trench coat

showing up at any and all protests waving a placard that says "Tracer Tong did nothing wrong"

got in a fist fight with my wife's doula so I'm just gonna take her to the vet to give birth instead

I emerged from the womb with a shitty, patchy beard and it's been perfectly preserved for 26 years now

They call me the magnificent oil spill boy. When there is an oil spill they tow me behind the barge with long ropes and I drink up all the oil for free. Save the penguins. I am the oil spill boy.

Mastodon tip: if you wake up early uk time start posting quick cos everyone fucks off real soon

*waking up in a bed covered in garlic cloves and red onions*
Whoah what a wild night last night, what even happened?

doing a triple backflip before kicking the head off of the queen

just had a vivid flashback to secondary school when a catholic youth group came to our school to do some fun skits about religion and incorporated "am i bothered" and Little Britain catch phrases to appeal to us kids. Didn't want this memory

lol at anal retentive meaning β€œobsessively orderly” and not β€œkeeping stuff up your ass like a chipmunk”.

love it when i'm watching a documentary and they play ominous droning horror music when they talk about somebody that's completely evil. That way I know not to like the person that's completely evil, thanks

sorry for all the ruckus upstairs i fell down the stairs landing on my hog 15 consecutive times in a row, it was a very humorous occasion but i do need to go to the hospital immediately

Sudafed in the morning, shepherd's snorting

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Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3