internalized transphobia / body image / disassociation / art / accountability
i want to start drawing self portraits to get past a bunch of internalized transphobia / body image stuff that’s been coming up for me lately. i’m not sure what i’d do with them. i want to post them here but i think it’s pretty likely that would be difficult for me. i wanted to at least express the idea out loud so it doesn’t get swallowed by the disassociation monster. i’ve never been able to draw a self portrait. i tried taking an art class once and when a self portrait was assigned for the final, i dropped the class. so it’s kind of a big hurdle for me to get past. but i’ve grown a lot since then, so i want to try again.
every time i think i’m finally starting to get pretty good at communication in relationships, something pops up and says “haha, you’re not being nearly as vulnerable as you thought you were, in fact, here’s a list of toxic behaviors that you use to hide from vulnerability and here’s all the ways they’re fucking up your relationship” and then i’m like well. guess i have a bunch of new stuff to work on.
reflection on emotions ~
a thing i do after spending too long on the internet is adopting a lot of the ambient slang, which is fun, but it also tends to cover up my real emotions. it’s a lot easier to see something someone posted and go “wow big ” than it is to think about what it actually makes me feel and what i should do about that feeling and how or whether i should express it.
so i try not to do it often, but i definitely get caught up in it sometimes.
Since seeing this comic a long time ago it has really changed the way I interact with the world around me, I now say "Thank you" rather than "sorry".
I stopped apologising for existing and for taking up space as a result I have stopped minimising myself.
resurfaced memory of videogames left unplayed
i totally forgot that i read about FF X-2 in a gaming magazine when i was 15 and desperately wanted to play it after they mentioned the all female cast and something called "dresspheres" & the Garment Grid. i even mentioned this to a friend, and got a lukewarm response. peer pressure kept me in check and i still have not played this game.
i wonder if it aged well...
body image, thoughts on body positivity, disability
This is one of my favorite articles on the topic, if anyone is interested in more! https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/
when i first started transitioning i started tagging all my stuff like bookmarks or whatever with <trans> so i could find it easily among the sea of like, computer shit, or whatever i was into before. now i'm realizing how cutely naive that was. like i thought i was going just gonna keep living my life and doing this trans project on the side
one thing i love about plural stuff is how everyone has totally different ways of thinking about and describing it and all of them are 100% valid. some people call themselves multiple, DID, systems, etc. members can be fragments, alters, facets, personas, and on and on. some people talk to their alters. some people don't. some people have alters that mostly look a lot like them, and the variations are in personality. some people have robots and dragons and so on as alters. i mean, i could keep listing things here but it's infinite. and still there's this kind of recognition when we meet each other that's like. hey. i get it. even if your experience is totally different than mine. and that's so cool.
This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM. Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3