internalized transphobia / body image / disassociation / art / accountability
i want to start drawing self portraits to get past a bunch of internalized transphobia / body image stuff that’s been coming up for me lately. i’m not sure what i’d do with them. i want to post them here but i think it’s pretty likely that would be difficult for me. i wanted to at least express the idea out loud so it doesn’t get swallowed by the disassociation monster. i’ve never been able to draw a self portrait. i tried taking an art class once and when a self portrait was assigned for the final, i dropped the class. so it’s kind of a big hurdle for me to get past. but i’ve grown a lot since then, so i want to try again.
i would guess almost everyone feels some level of name regret, probably? for me i worry that people aren’t going to take me seriously with a name like nova, that it’s gonna be a dead giveaway that i picked my own name and have the judgement of a 12 year old, that it’s inappropriate for my age (cause there are lots of young kids named nova but no one from my generation), that it’s not obviously feminine enough, etc, etc, etc... but i would probably have a different set of regrets with any name.
zoey may be a common name but that’s cause it’s adorable as heck and honestly it fits you perfectly. every zoey i’ve known is their own unique flavor of zoey and it’s not one of those names i associate with a specific stereotype, so it kinda leaves my expectations open more. sometimes i see someone named zoey or zoë or something and i think “ahh it’s so cute i wish my name was zoe!!”
and lottie isn’t a name i hear a lot but it’s cool as heck!!! there’s a lot of images that come up when i think of it, definitely the flapper for one but also the name lottie seems like someone who can have confidence in themselves without being arrogant about it? just like... they know what’s up. idk if that fits, it’s just what comes to mind for me. it doesn’t seem childish, but kinda nostalgic in a cool way, like it brings a modern touch to an old fashioned name.
and honestly i have never met a trans person with a name where i was like “that’s unfortunate” or “i wouldn’t have picked that”. like, no matter what it is, it’s that person’s chosen unique representation of themselves at a defining point in their lives. it’s kind of like a tattoo in that way. you might feel different ways about it at different times in your life, but it also grows with you and the meaning changes as you grow.
something about the name collisions just makes it less appealing... jaz was actually my #1 pick until i found out about jazz jennings and then i felt weird about having the same name as a famous trans person so i lost interest in it completely. but i think nova ended up being a better choice anyways.
@AudreyJune ooh those are good names! i really like avery!
the rest of my shortlist was:
- jasmine (jaz)
i really liked the name “eden” but it was taken 😭
@AudreyJune so after sobering up a bit and thinking about this some more i realized the bit in that story that really got to me was how the girl’s ex, and everyone in her life, didn’t see her as she really was. they saw her as they remembered her or as they wanted her to be. and as a result all of her relationships feel forced or fake. she just feels like an object or a ghost of a memory to them. and that’s the part i really relate to. so much of that is on me, for building up all these relationships as someone that doesn’t actually exist, and now i don’t know who the real me is so how can anyone have a relationship with the real me? but that feeling of unreality is still following me everywhere, i don’t know how to shake it, and that story captured it perfectly. i’m only even aware of it because now i’ve experienced tiny flashes of reality in *some* of my relationships and i just want to live that way all the time. but i don’t know if anyone actually manages to do that, or if it’s just a dream.
@AudreyJune i don’t know how to feel about it. i’m really lucky with lot of stuff in my life. some of the stuff in my life really sucks. i don’t know how to compare it. that story made me think about the stuff in my life that sucks.
@AudreyJune i just finished “how to stay friends” which made me really sad. even the ones i can’t totally relate to, i relate to somehow.
@AudreyJune a safe girl to love
@orchidmantis it’s not the most authentic chainsaw massacre, but it is the most delicious
this is a really helpful insight though. i think i’m just barely on the edge of starting to meet my own base needs, so i don’t feel this strongly yet; but it’s definitely there.
This was one of the best
@jordyd There are many cars
@selontheweb you’re welcome, thank you and thanks for participating!
@Dayglochainsaw it’s pretty chill honestly. i saw some kids running away from the mall and i hope it’s cause they stole something
@selontheweb yes, outdoors, neither i’m just sitting here
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