So glad that Britain invented universal postage and trains so we can be shit at both of them

Thinking about getting a photorealistic portrait tattoo of Osama Bin Laden, where should I put it so I don't damage my job prospects?

Apparently Jeremy Corbyn fucked a dog once, just heard it on the grapevine

Went to the pound shop today to get some sweets, I'm not sure that 'Cummi Bears' was a good naming choice though

if britain isn't a socialist hellscape then how come the government can use its publicly-owned sewers to steal my precious piss

Still trying to find the weird rock that destroys capitalism.

Sometimes I find myself trapped in Dutch Nickelback Purgatory. I recommend breathing exclusively smoke to cope

I came on holiday thinking 'wow I sure don't have any sperm, could do with some more', thank God I found this:

I came to Amsterdam and all that happened was that I got shoved into a corner and drowned in eggs

I'm looking for the spleen locker at the train station but I can't find it, where am I going to keep my spleen now?

My least favorite reality show is the one that I wake up in every day

Did you know? Germs aren't real because you can't see them, they're just a government conspiracy to get your hands wet. To prove this point, I often sneeze into my hand and smear it on people's faces.

I always make sure I wear my seat belt on the plane so that if we crash my corpse stays safely in its seat

Have eaten a hash brownie on the way to the airport with @maggotboy, this is a Very Good Idea and you should Do It Too

Sleep? A man with refined tastes, such as myself, much prefers the more rich and stimulating experience of laying awake for 5 hours with your eyes burning. But enjoy your 'sleep'

I only ever get 5 hour buses on zero sleep because I like the feeling of slowly being toasted in a cramped space

I often walk around with a sandwich in my back pocket, just for emergencies you know?

I take it upon myself to make sure that I rub my vag on items in my house on a regular basis just to make sure that people know it's my territory here.

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This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM.

Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3