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hey for real if any of you live in or pass by st louis, please let me know. i'd very much like to hang out!!

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But What Can Following Zoey Get *Me*?

great question. following zoey on mastodon unlocks the following features:

• Updates when Zoey is horny, stoned, or both

• Constant information about Zoey, as provided by Zoey

• A weird amount of selfies

• Insecurity about probably being a furry

• Buckets of blood mailed to your home

• Bic pen slash fic on request

• envelopes of blood under your pillows

• owls flying into your home dropping an m80
strapped to a blood balloon

• spotify playlists

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intro post:
i'm the tiger-riding queen of a dark skeleton army and i live in a spiral tower

i feel somehow obliged to share that i've been taking a small mastodon break? like maybe it's rude to disappear from pals without acknowledging it

so uh
i guess

quick tip of the hat to my friends here, and a friendly (but stern) shake of the fist to my many enemies

@zoey I immediately visualized a newspaper reporter bustling into city hall wearing a fedora with an old fashioned PRESS pass in the hat band and a briefcase under one wing

There once was a woman from Netta
Said, "Jacie, this verse could be better!
If your rhymes are all slant,
and your writing is scant,
the least you could do is be meta!"

valentines kinda, sappy love, pic caption (i'm on tootdon) Show more

valentines kinda, sappy love, pic Show more

Hey, anyone have the files for any of the blob emojis (especially blobcat and the like?)

Presumably instance admins weren't uploading pngs the size of the emojis, right? did yall find large pictures or even an .svg or something

can we possibly make it a thing to explain your avatar and where it came from in your bio? i think mine is probably self-explanatory, but seriously. I'm dying of curiosity

(this is a callout post on @selontheweb in particular)

then comes the main event they invited you for: their big space launch! they're about to launch their first rocket containing a heroic little bird with a space helmet! the shuttle blasts off and the ship lands on top of a tree and they all celebrate this historical moment and you can see the little astronaut bird poke his head around the top of the tree and report stuff he finds

self care tip #2:

also what you were a goodwill ambassador visiting Peep City?? and they made special chairs and stuff to accommodate your size, but didn't get it quite right, so like, they give you a thimble-sized cup of tea and aren't sure if that's how much you normally drink, but you pretend it is, so you don't hurt their feelings and they're so happy that you enjoy their gift to you

self-care tip of the day:

try and imagine a functioning city of chubby little baby chicks. do they have little peeper jobs and peep cars? how are decisions made? do they elect a little peep mayor? do they have a sash? who made the sash? what do the peep citizens do for fun? do you think any of the peeps are like, fancy french waiters with a fancy moustache and dinner clith draped over one feathery arm?

consider these things instead of going to work or whatever.


gamers: i want a game where my choices matter!!!

also gamers: i should be able to act like a total shitwad in multiplayer games with no negative repercussions

lil cuties that sleep together! upside down! and they don't have time and pikachu have the answer. Mr. Madden has no time for a song they like, and it's not TOTALLY serious and fetishy. but they're legitimate. They've funded research and more than one book, they're a team.

help me fund my campaign to reclaim the name "goop" from gwyneth paltrow

weird to think the fact that i fully doxxed myself last week and the fact that i got my identity stolen yesterday are completely unrelated

(the person who stole it lives on a street i stopped in last week)

isabelle from animal crossing bullshit Show more

isabelle from animal crossing bullshit Show more

group of friends: yo here's some isabelle fanart, you love isabelle, right? this thing says isabelle is pansexual, what do you think about isabelle's sexual orientation

me: i have other facets of my personality, not everything has to be isabelle, why the fuck should i care what some random person thinks about a cartoon dog's love life


friends: so how was your day?

me: i mean obviously isabelle is a lesbian if anything. have you seen her in her rv? she's got clear "millennial lesbian" vibes and the IDEA that she has a crush on the player is fucking asinine. and i'm 88% sure she's cis and it's not lik-

Every Billionaire Fucking Sucks. Yes, Also The One You're Thinking Is An Exception

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This is a place to go when you want FREEDOM.

Get things off your chest. Share your secrets with strangers. Scream into the abyss. Tell filthy jokes. Make a joke at all. <3